1. Can you please not eat the floor?
2. You know you’re sitting on your giraffe friend, right?
3. If you keep doing that you’re gonna hurt yourself…See?
4. How’d you get so good at planking?
5. Is there a reason you’re eating the table again?
6. Is it delicious?
7. Why are you grabbing mama’s neck flesh?
8. It’s been awhile since you’ve had a good ear booger. What’s up with that?
9. Seriously, why must you lick everything?
10. You know that’s a wall, right, and not a lollipop?
11. Do you really think smacking mama in the face is the best way to get what you want?
12. You realize I’m your main conduit to fresh food, shelter, and clean diapers, right?
13. How is it that you’ve already figured out the power of a well-timed giggle?
14. You have zero idea how fucking cute you are, huh?
15. Or maybe you do?
16. Mama’s not always gonna fall for that adorable smile, okay?
17. Does the crustified food stuck to your forehead bug you?
18. At all?
19. How about that drool rash?
20. Spitting in mama’s face isn’t the best way to get what you want, either—make sense?
21. Do you even realize that mama can spit like that too?
22. They didn’t teach you much in the womb, did they?
23. Do you know how much mama and papa love you?
24. Seriously, why does your poop stink so much?
25. Can I put you down now, or are you gonna freak the fuck out?